There are times when I am getting crazy just like a human being, just like any other person, I don’t know you, perhaps you would also be as me, the same as all humans with this characteristic in common. But in my case, when craziness comes to me I don’t understand what I am saying or what I am writing just like a few days ago when I wrote a letter to a tongueless and senseless object. Sometimes late at night when I can not sleep and different things come to my mind, I assume there are thousands of flies buzzing in my mind, it is horrible though but enjoyable as well exactly like the time when you itch a scab and as the wound spot hurts, you relish.
I try very hard to go to sleep, but no way. I am not able.
It is a bit fearful to think about the word insomnia as an illness, but I believe who ever writes and want to write must deal with this word and comport with insomnia. Although it is a bit uneasy but is a normal thing I come to believe. May be it would even help, to read, to think, to write and then to have enough time to do a lot of things and never ever regret in your life, when it comes to end that you didn’t do anything or enough things and didn’t use your time when you could do and had time to do.
For me, when I don’t go to sleep, it is the best time and my pen runs faster and better on the paper when there is no rush, noise and scuffle that all exist during the day, and I can write, think, explore, reason, ask myself, answer to myself and sometimes talk with the stars just to remind my childhood and rewind my memories what I did during the day that passed, during the week that passed, and then I come to month, year, years and if I resist and do not go to sleep I even I return to my childhood and one by one slowly on come back to the present time. Just like a journey, just like a trip or like a film that you begin to watch from a beginning and then reach to middle and then you reach to a conclusion point.
To rewind these memories and replay again and again, sometimes new questions are created and then I try to answer them, and sometimes without finding proper answers, I go to sleep as if you are watching a film and the power cuts off at once and you can not watch the rest or like sometimes you are too tired and go to sleep sitting on the sofa in front of the TV, and you found it the next day that you didn’t finish the film.
However, not going far from the main point, when I am not able to sleep then I have to make myself busy somehow with something, so this way I would easily fall asleep. Sometimes I play with the marks, lines or patterns made of speck and stains that exist on the wall above my bed and try to imagine them as different figures then in the middle of the way, I don’t know what happens the rest and once I am peeping out of the next day and I don’t know how I went to sleep the night before. Sometimes cobwebs are good things to get busy with and then imagine spider man scenes in your mind. I sleep in a nice room, I don’t lack any of my imaginary characters, there are enough cobwebs in the corner of the ceiling and when the window of my room is open at nights sometimes bats also come and maneuver for a while in the room and then go out then I say with my room mate” don’t worry, we two are not alone, Batman and Spiderman also some times come to meet us here, and then we both burst laughing. As there are a lot of trees around the area we live, there are a lot of mosquitoes as well. These mosquitoes are our friends now, every night they come to our room and sting us but we assume that they kiss us as friends.
It is good to have friends like, mosquitoes, bats and spiders in the night life.
What about you?
These days, just some nights ago, again as usual first I wasn’t able to go to sleep earlier, so I slept almost at two in the morning, and then when I woke up at about a quarter to four in morning to eat before the dawn and get prepared for fasting, I asked myself, what would happen if we didn’t have to eat to get energy to live. I was thinking about it and once I remembered the question of our school teacher when he asked the students “do you eat to live or do you live to eat?” and on that time, some of the students laughed and said, “it is a fool question” they thought both cases have the same meaning. But later on when we all got older we understood what it means eat to live or live to eat.